Very sick

My dad is sick. I mean really sick. He is tired of treatment and sick from his head to his toes. He is burned badly from the radiation and his throat feels like it has the diameter of a straw (not a mcdonalds one....a small red coffee one) He has moles that are appearing out of thin air....thank you radiation, and he has asked my mom 2 times to take him to the ER. This has not happened yet because when my mom informed him that they would probably keep him overnight or for a couple days he says "nevermind". The fight for more time is becoming more of a fight. It is like when you have your first baby. Everyone can tell you their stories and share their experiences.....but you just can't wrap your brain around "not sleeping", "loving something so much", "feeling helpless", "napping instead of actual sleep"....ect. When you go in for your first round of treatment I believe it is the same thing. "The radiation burns", "you may be miserable", "put the feeding tube in just in case you can't swallow", "chemo is just so hard", "the schedule is always tough"...ect. People can tell you....but you just have no idea what lies ahead.

I believe when fighting for your life you are totally gung-hoe in the beginning. Then as the fight takes more and more from you it becomes less about survival and more about living in the now. I have spoken to some hospice nurses and they always tell me....your dad will know when he is done fighting. The fight takes everything in them.....it is after they are done fighting that they really start living.

So dad, here's to fighting so you can really live:) I love you very much and think about you everyday. I think about how much I want to hold your hand, how I want to turn the hands of time so that the next few weeks don't drag and you can be done with treatment, I want to go on vacation to San Diego with you and mom with the kids and laugh at how funny they are. I want to have a family dinner every week and maybe attend church together. I know these things will have to wait till your done fighting.....in the mean time I will help you continue to fight.

Love,
your special buddy

by the way....I call Lex my special girl;)