Every once in awhile I look back at my life and think of all the other turns I could have made. I think if I would have decided to go to Purdue, Michigan, Arkansas, or a couple of the smaller schools looking to recruit me, what if I would have gone to nursing school in college, or even right after, what if I continued to teach, or continued to nanny, what if I would have taken the 2 college head coaching jobs I have been offered.....the list (as I'm sure yours does) goes on and on. I don't have these days often since I am very happy and content with where my life sits now. But there are days like today that I look at my kids and just think....."what if". Not that they have been bad today or that I am overly tired....I am just pondering...I guess if that's what you want to call it.
I think that I have been "pondering" alot lately cause of my dad. I wonder if his mind is spinning as mine is. I wonder if he remembers the first day he picked up a cigarette and wonders if he just would have made a different choice or been somewhere else if he would have started. The same goes for drinking. I wonder if he thinks about his job and how much he actually worked.....he would have been a wonderful arts teacher, surgeon, handy man, plumber, electrician, architect....I wonder why he picked phone guy? I don't know the story of my parents earlier lives but I wonder again....different time different place would they have both made the same decisions? I guess we all have these nights to re-evaluate our current situation. Do we feel as though we have made the right turns when the forks in the roads presented themselves.
Anyways, my dad is feeling really sick. He can't breathe and his cough is just devastating to hear. He doesn't want to go to the hospital cause "they're not gonna do anything"....but little does he know that when he is there all of our hearts can rest easy knowing that if something did happen he would be tended to immediately!!! But it is his life and I think he is slowly coming to grips with how truly sick he is. When those are faced with life and death they often will try to control anything they can. This comes from my hospice nurse friend. She is a great resource for me to lean on. So when I get frustrated about my dad and his choices that he is making now....she reminds me that he is trying to work through it in his own way.
He has an appointment with the pulmonologist tomorow and from the looks of things he will be directly admitted. I am sure his doctor will advise him sternly to go across the street and find himself a nice bed with a nice view and a nurse call button;) My dad hates confrontation so I would bet my life that he will go. I will try to keep this updated. I have a really strong feeling that things will not get any easier from here on. I cry thinking of the hard times ahead and I also feel my heart break at the little memories we will get to make as well. Okay enough of this downer of a post. Hopefully, tomorow will only bring good news.....but my hopeful side is being out weighed by my loud realistic (and annoying I might add) side.
If you pray....pray for peace.
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